February 2012

The know zone

  • Fault lines
    As keen readers of this column know, ‘vicarious liability’ is the legal doctrine that makes employers answerable for the actions of an employee in the course of his or her employment. But how does this translate to extra-curricular school activities? Richard Bird explains. More
  • Stay in touch?
    Teacher contact ratio is a topic of perennial importance but attempting to work out what the ideal figure should be is always a frustrating business, says Sam Ellis More
  • Lead vocals
    Quotes from Confucius, Douglas Adams and Aristotle More
  • Action man
    Until this spring, Graeme Hornsby is assistant principal (business management) at Lutterworth College, Leicestershire, a school with a £10m budget, 400 staff and 2,000 pupils where he has worked since 1989. A keen triathlete, he regularly undertakes a 600-mile round trip to see his beloved Celtic FC play. More
  • E-safety first...
    Online safety is in the spotlight throughout the world in February. More
  • Adding value
    A simple answer to saving money More
  • A level playing field
    UCAS has proposed allowing students to apply to university after they receive their A level results, even though it means moving the A level teaching period and shortening the exam window. Is it the best way to improve the admissions system? What are the implications? Members share their views. More
  • Leaders' surgery
    Healthy outlook provides food for thought & Early retirement calculations More
  • Old challenges for a new year...
    While the ongoing pension negotiations were high on the agenda of last Council, on 8-9 December, intelligent accountability was also a hot topic, with discussions in various committees on Ofsted, local authorities and the role of governors. More
  • Failing to plan...?
    The National Curriculum Review’s expert panel report, published in December, concurred with ASCL’s view that it is pointless to change the curriculum until we’ve agreed what purpose the curriculum is expected to serve. This debate has not happened, says Brian Lightman. More
  • Podium panic!
    Keeping the guest speaker sober and on-message while peppering your own presentation with song titles and wondering what some of the gongs are actually for – all concerns as prize-giving ceremonies loom large… More
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Keeping the guest speaker sober and on-message while peppering your own presentation with song titles and wondering what some of the gongs are actually for – all concerns as prize-giving ceremonies loom large…

Podium panic!

I woke up sweating in the middle of last night because prize-giving is looming once again. It can drive you potty. First there’s the guest: Who is it to be? I have made it a badge of honour never to pay anyone for this unique privilege, which does rather limit my options. Who sends the ‘right’ message? Clearly not the second-rate Championship footballer from the insolvent club down the road. A local councillor or a worthy ex-student? It’s at this time that I envy the prestigious private school up the hill where every second parent is a potential celeb guest.

Meanwhile, all I can muster is the master baker (and try saying that in front of 250 less-than-sober 17-year-olds) who invented the crustless loaf! I’ve learnt to avoid local worthies – or at least keep them off the free sherry beforehand.

I remember too clearly the time I sat, rictus grin fixed on, as one told our audience how much he “really rather fancied Margaret Thatcher on a trade delegation to Poland” or another who described the Care in the Community programme as “releasing a load of nutters into the neighbourhood”. Choose carefully, colleagues.

So you have your guest. Then there are the prizes to decide. I am in awe of the increasingly desperate titles we invent to reward the deserving but the best I ever heard was the Dorothy Clowes Prize for General Helpfulness, an award clearly reserved for the poor kid deemed not worthy of any other gong the school was dishing out that night.

Then there’s the actual gifts; we quaintly persevere with books and I look aghast as our guest hands over Katie Price’s latest oeuvre to some The Only Way is Essex wannabe. Even worse is the clever beggar who’s submitted a dog-eared family paperback because he’s done a deal with his mum and swapped the book token for something more useful like snuff or bicycle clips.

Then there’s your speech. How do you keep it fresh? How many more times can you say, “You were the best year group ever”? This year I shall again amuse myself by trying to slip as many Spandau Ballet song titles into my speech as possible: “This year group was sheer Gold. It’s True. Always believe in your soul...”

You can always play Spot the Toupee or Count the Parents’ Tattoos. I don’t use FFT or CVA anymore as I have a simple formula which states the higher the tat count, the nearer the floor targets we’re going to be.

There are so many potential traps. The music, for example, as the girls’ choir croons its way through Shakira’s risqué She Wolf. Or realising the caretaker’s given you the chair with the huge, bulbous thingy carved into it – in full view of the entire audience.

And so it goes on. After lying in bed awake for several hours I realise there’s only one sensible thing to do – go back to sleep and pray for snow/a strike/a boiler breakdown or any random act of God to close the school.

  • The author wishes to remain anonymous but swears that none of this ever really happened.

Want the last word?

Last Word always welcomes contributions from members. If you’d like to share your humorous observations of school life, email Sara Gadzik at leader@ascl.org.uk ASCL offers a modest honorarium.

podium panic

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